Tag: cancer humor

  • The Return of Leg Shaving

    The Return of Leg Shaving

    Today I shaved my legs for the first time since last August.

    Not because I’m lazy.

    Well.

    Not entirely because I’m lazy.


    The real reason is that chemotherapy comes with both curses and blessings.

    One of the blessings?

    No leg hair.

    For ten glorious months, I have not shaved my legs.

    Not once.

    No balancing on one foot in a slippery shower. No discovering halfway through that the razor is dull. No realizing I somehow missed an entire stripe down the back of one calf.

    Nothing.

    Just smooth legs and one less thing on my list.


    Of course, the curse is that chemotherapy doesn’t stop at your legs.

    It takes all the hair.

    And while there are certainly parts of that experience I do not recommend, there was something oddly satisfying about crossing “shave legs” off my to-do list for ten straight months.

    At some point during treatment, I stopped even thinking about it.


    Then recovery happened.

    Slowly.

    Quietly.

    The fuzz on my head started coming back.

    The eyebrows that had apparently quit without notice started showing up for work again.

    (As much as any eyebrows can after surviving the unforgivable tweeze craze of the 1970s.)

    The eyelashes decided they might stick around after all.

    Every little bit of regrowth felt like a victory.

    Proof that my body was finding its way home.

    And I was grateful for every bit of it.

    Until this morning.


    This morning I looked down in the shower and thought:

    “Well, apparently we’ve brought back the leg hair.”


    Now, to be fair, I should probably be celebrating.

    This is evidence of healing.

    Recovery.

    Progress.

    The return of normal bodily functions.


    But instead, I found myself standing there with a razor thinking:

    “Couldn’t we have left this one behind?”

    Then I dug my razor out of the back of the bathroom drawer and actually stopped and stared at it.

    The blade looked exactly the same as it had ten months ago.

    Which led to an important scientific question:

    Does a razor get dull just sitting there?

    Because if so, this one should have been worn slap out by now.


    Then I remembered.

    I had put that blade on the day my port was installed.

    Not the week before.

    Not sometime that month.

    The actual day.

    And suddenly I wasn’t looking at a razor anymore.

    I was looking at a timestamp.

    Back then, I had no idea how many doctor’s appointments, PET scans, infusions, steroids, naps, night sweats, and worried conversations stood between that shower and this one.

    If you had told me that morning that the next time I used that razor I would be cancer-free and standing in my shower complaining about leg hair, I would have taken that deal in a heartbeat.


    Then there was the shaving cream.

    The good shaving cream.

    The extra-foamy, sensitive-skin, smells-really-good shaving cream.

    The can was almost empty.

    Which raises another question.

    Does shaving cream evaporate?

    Or has someone in this house been secretly using my expensive shaving cream while I wasn’t paying attention?

    I’m not naming names.

    But there are only two people who live here, and one of them is a 6-foot-7 semi-retired male.

    The evidence seems compelling.


    Anyway.

    The shaving is done.

    The legs are smooth.

    The era of effortless maintenance appears to be over.

    And that got me wondering.

    Is this a thing for men who have gone through chemo, too?

    Because back in my day—and yes, I am officially old enough to say that—a man shaved his face and called it good.

    That was the entire grooming plan.

    Nowadays it seems like the only thing some men don’t shave is their face.

    So I’m curious.

    Men who have been through chemo, was there any hair you were perfectly happy to lose?

    Any hair you were relieved to see return?

    Or maybe more importantly…

    Was there any hair that came back and made you think:

    “Seriously? Of all the things that could have stayed gone forever, you picked THIS?”


    Because ladies, let’s not pretend we don’t have opinions here, too.

    By a certain age, some hair starts showing up in places nobody ordered it from.

    And it arrives with the confidence of a long-awaited guest.

    One day you’re minding your own business.

    The next day you’re standing in front of a magnifying mirror wondering how a single chin hair managed to grow three inches overnight without your knowledge.

    The human body is a mystery.

    Recovery is a mystery.

    And apparently hair is determined to remind us who’s really in charge.


    So today I shaved my legs for the first time in ten months.

    It wasn’t particularly exciting.

    It wasn’t especially meaningful.

    But it was one of those ordinary little moments that quietly reminded me how far I’ve come.

    Ten months ago, I was sitting in chemo.

    Today, I’m complaining about shaving my legs.

    I’ll take that trade every single time.

    Even if the leg hair is making a comeback tour that absolutely nobody requested.

    -Pattie


    P.S. This post is cross-posted here and on my new blog, Third Act With Pattie.

    Second Battle Same Me was the story of getting through cancer.

    Third Act With Pattie is the story of everything that comes after.

    These days you’ll find me, Richard, and Sassy navigating lake life, retirement, family adventures, quilting projects, and whatever chaos shows up next.

    Nature has a lot to say.

    So does Sassy.

    Come join us at Third Act With Pattie and subscribe so you don’t miss a story.

  • 🌿 Second Battle Same Me → Third Act With Pattie

    Subscribe to continue reading

    Subscribe to get access to the rest of this post and other subscriber-only content.

  • Something Very Suspicious Is Happening Here

    Y’all, It’s a dog-eat-dog world in this house right now.

    Something is clearly going on. I don’t know what it is exactly, but I can tell you this: nobody here is acting normal.

    For example, Mama forgot to feed me yesterday. That has never happened in the history of ever. Even when she was really sick. So obviously something serious is wrong with the humans.

    Since no one has bothered to explain anything to me (nobody ever tells the dog), I have been quietly observing the situation from my usual supervisory position on the couch.

    Here is what I have noticed.

    Daddy is home all the time now. Just… here. Walking around. Looking busy. Moving things. Making lists. Standing in doorways and just looking, like he forgot why he went there.

    The house is suddenly full of boxes. Paper boxes, plastic boxes.
    Boxes on the floor.
    Boxes on tables.
    Boxes stacked up like some kind of cardboard city.

    It’s starting to feel like one of those fun houses at the fair.

    And everybody knows fun houses have clowns.

    I do not trust clowns. Nobody with any sense should trust clowns.

    Mama keeps picking things up, putting them down somewhere else, and saying things like, “Well this has to go too.”

    I don’t know where “too” is, but apparently a lot of stuff lives there now.

    Also Mama keeps talking about bringing all her sewing things.

    I don’t know how many sewing things a person actually needs, but judging by all the boxes, I suspect she may be opening a quilt factory.

    Meanwhile Daddy keeps talking about a shop. Mama takes me shopping sometimes. I wonder if that’s the same thing. Probably not, but it sounds like a place where I will not be allowed to chew anything.

    There have also been strangers showing up at the lake place with loud machines digging up trees and stumps. Several of my favorite outdoor facilities have disappeared completely.

    Frankly, the landscaping situation there has become very upsetting.

    Then Mama and Daddy went somewhere without me and stayed almost all day. They LEFT ME ALONE. She came home happy about getting rid of her poison straw – maybe they took it to the too place.

    Since then she’s been doing this strange slow exercise where she waves her arms around and walks very carefully like the floor might suddenly move.

    I have watched this closely.

    It looks very suspicious.

    Mostly, I’ve decided the best strategy right now is to lie down, stay calm, and avoid the chaos until the humans finish whatever it is they’re doing.

    But I will say this.

    Mama seems to be smiling a lot more lately.

    The sun is coming out.

    The geese are back.

    And the humans keep saying things like,
    “Spring is going to be good.”

    So I’m keeping an eye on things.

    Because from what I can tell…

    something new is about to happen around here.

    And if nobody else is going to report on it properly,

    I guess that job falls to me.

    Sassy 🐾

  • Spitting in Cancer’s Eye

    What a defining day this has been.

    Today I looked cancer straight in the eye… and I spit.

    Not politely.
    Not symbolically.
    With courage, contempt, and absolutely no manners whatsoever.

    And the reason I felt bold enough to do that?

    Because today the Port of Poison was removed from my body.

    But I’m getting ahead of myself.

    Cancer needed to hear something loud and clear: if it can’t run with the big dogs, it needs to stay on the porch.

    Now by this point you might be wondering what exactly I did that was so impressive after I already rang the “no more chemo, clean PET scan” bell. Because ringing that bell is a big deal. It’s emotional. It’s symbolic. It’s the moment everyone cheers.

    But today felt even bigger.


    The Port of Poison

    For months I’ve had what I not so lovingly call my poison straw tucked under my skin. A handy little device whose sole purpose was to provide a direct VIP entrance for chemicals with names that sound like rejected villains from a Marvel movie.

    It did its job.
    It helped save my life.

    And for that I am grateful.

    But let’s not pretend I was emotionally attached to the thing.

    Today the Port of Poison is officially closed for business.

    Permanently.

    I’m banking on the fact that I kicked cancer’s scrawny little butt so hard it won’t try me again. I’m trusting my body to stay strong, stand guard, and reject any future invasion attempts.

    Consider the gates closed.

    I rode home from the hospital feeling more like myself than I have in almost nine months. I was smiling ear to ear. And if you’ve ever seen me smile, you know what that means: my chubby cheeks puff up, my eyes squint nearly shut, and every crooked tooth I own shines like it’s part of a victory parade.

    It’s glorious.

    And I feel like the Winning Warrior Bitch that I absolutely am.

    Highly recommend this feeling, by the way.

    It didn’t hurt that the sun has been shining all day — one of those perfect puffy-cloud, 78-degree days that feels like the universe decided to show off a little just for me.

    So today I am smiling.
    I am breathing.
    I am grateful.

    And cancer?

    If cancer can’t run with the big dogs…

    CANCER NEEDS TO STAY ON TH E PORCH.

    🎤⬇️🐕🔥

    🐦 Mama taught me how to stand


    Mama knows, Mama knows
    Sometimes I think she’s got a window to my soul
    Mama knows, Mama knows
    Even when I think it doesn’t show
    Mama knows Tim Mensy and Tony Haselden

  • Crescent Walking Away From Cancer Girl…

    How long will it be before I stop introducing myself as
    “Hi, I’m Pattie, recent cancer patient currently in remission”?

    Like it’s my job title.

    Like the rest of my personality is temporarily out to lunch.

    Or, to put it another way…
    How long do I play the cancer card to justify:

    • the 50-pound souvenir
    • the puffy eyes
    • and my gold-medal commitment to sitting on my ass

    Asking for a friend. (It’s me.)


    In a bold and possibly delusional move toward “rejoining society,” I joined a tai chi class.

    And because apparently I cannot help myself, during introductions I blabbed the whole cancer saga.

    “Hi, I’m Pattie. I’m a few months out from chemo, in remission.”

    WHY.

    The sweet southern ladies nodded with sympathy and concern, and I immediately thought: Why is that still my headline?

    It’s been ten weeks since my last poisoning, yet I’m still oeprating in Cancer First Mode.

    This is not a place I want to linger.

    And yet…


    So I paid good money for a Tai Chi For Everyone class— IN ADVANCE — because nothing motivates like prepaid shame.

    Let’s discuss the bold stupidity of this decision:

    What kind of woman lounges on the sofa for eight months and then says, “You know what sounds fun? Coordinated public movement,”

    This woman.

    Somewhere in my head I must have believed that if I could defeat cancer —TWICE — I could absolutely dominate a slow, gentle, old -people tai chi class.

    WRONGWRONGWRONGWRONG.


    We started with breathing.

    Which I felt strong about, since I’ve been practicing that for 69 years.

    Then came something called a “kidney wake-up,” involving sweeping my hands around to my back, down to my feet, and back up again… while continuing to breathe.

    Apparently bending cancels breathing.

    Who knew.

    Then came the “simple” bend-over-hands-flat-on-the-floor-and-hold.

    Now. I am 4’10”. The floor is not geographically far away.

    But between being short armed, round in the middle and freshly deconditioned, there was no way my hands were going flat.

    And HOLD?

    Ma’am, please.

    This was still the warm-up.


    Next came tai chi walking.

    Left foot.
    Right foot.
    Crescent moon.
    Heel touch.
    Toe touch.

    I have already forgotten the sequence.

    My thighs have not.

    And then…

    Cloud hands.

    Let me tell you something about cloud hands.

    The only cloud I experienced was the one my brain floated off on while everyone else moved in slow, graceful harmony.

    By the end, the class looked like synchronized swans.

    And I looked like I was trying to land a small aircraft.


    Today I am supposed to be practicing cloud hands.

    Instead, I will be watching instructional videos.

    Possibly fifty.

    Possibly from the sofa.


    But here’s the part that maters.

    I did not join tai chi to become graceful.

    I joined because I do not want to be “cancer girl” anymore.

    Okay.

    “Cancer older woman.”

    I don’t want that to be my first descriptor in a room.
    Or in my head. Or in my body.

    If awkward crescent-moon-walking is what it takes to shift identities, then so be it.

    My palms may not be flat on the floor.

    But I showed up.

    And right now, that counts.


    I go back tomorrow.

    Wish me lots of luck.

    And maybe a laminated cheat sheet.

    ☁️ 🌈🧘‍♀️☁️