Third Act With Pattie

Tag: fight cancer

  • And Now We Wait

    Until Tomorrow…

    I’m still feeling great — even heading out today to vote and grab a coffee with a friend. I refuse to ruin a day where I feel good by worrying about things I cannot change. I’m assuming this “feeling good” is for great reasons (not just because I’ve been chemo-free for two weeks).

    I believe in good things. I believe in healing.
    At least today, I do.

    Tomorrow I’ll head to oncology, ready for what’s supposed to be a long chemo day — and ready to hear the results of the PET scan. My hope? That the conversation goes something like:

    “We didn’t see anything, but let’s finish this course to make sure we get anything that thinks it might be trying to change cell type.”

    That’s the script I’m holding onto.

    Because today, I refuse to consider any other option.
    Why borrow trouble? (As our grandmothers would say.)
    Why speak that into the universe? (As our Gen Z family would say.)
    Why the hell think about it on your last feel-good day for a few weeks? (As every cancer patient would say.)

    So today, we wait — and celebrate the good. ☀️💚

  • PET Scan Day The Waiting Game

    It’s been a few days since I posted, and I hope you weren’t worried that I was feeling awful — because I wasn’t! From Saturday through right now, I’ve felt surprisingly great. No pain pills, no nausea meds, no reason for nausea meds. It’s been a fabulous stretch — almost enough to make me forget I’m fighting Cancer Boy. Almost.

    But when you’re in this battle, even the good days come with a shadow. No matter how great you feel, that little voice in your head never quite shuts up:
    “Is this working?”
    “Am I getting better?”
    “Will I have to ditch this chemo and start all over again?”
    It’s always there, quietly humming along in the background of every moment.

    Today is PET scan day — the big one. The test that tells us if things are getting better, holding steady, or spreading. It should feel exciting, but honestly? It’s terrifying. More terrifying than a haunted house.

    So after a few blissful days “off,” I’m suiting up again — lucky shirt on, battle mind engaged, and (in theory) my best poker face in place. (In reality, I’m about as unreadable as a Hallmark card.)

    Cross your fingers. Cross your toes. Whisper to Mother Earth or pray to your God — I’ll take all the good vibes you can send.
    And know that I’m deeply grateful for every single one of you who cares. 💚

  • The Worst Part of Having Cancer

    One would think the obvious answer is that the cancer—or the treatment—could kill you. But for me, that’s not it. Not yet, anyway. The possibility of death, even with the diagnosis and the poison, still feels far away. Which is, frankly, my preference.

    It’s not the constant sickness or nausea. It’s not the hours of shivering and chills, or the sliding-down-a-razor-blade thrill of eliminating bodily waste.

    It’s not the isolation—both physical and internal. It’s not that most food tastes like metal, or that eating and drinking enough each day sends you right back to that razor-blade ride.

    It’s not even the endless naps, the half-conscious fog, the 8 p.m. bedtime, or the sense that life’s fun is happening somewhere else without you.

    But I digress. The question was: what is the worst part of having cancer?

    Your hair is gone. Your face looks puffier. Your body changes. You tell yourself those are just shallow things—but then you start forgetting words, and where you were going, and why. You can’t recall names you’ve known for years. You sit in the dark and cry for any reason—or no reason at all.

    And the biggest thing you lose? Your common sense.

    Take a few days ago, for example. A fine case study in cognitive chaos.

    I got up early, determined to leave by 8 a.m. because Sassy the Wonder Dog had a 9 o’clock grooming appointment. (Sassy’s favorite hobby is rolling in the stinkiest piles imaginable.) With Luke’s help, I loaded the car and finally got dressed—only to realize my diamond ring was missing.

    Common sense immediately exited the premises.

    I went to grab my phone to call Luke—only to discover that it, too, was missing. Lost ring. Lost phone. Obviously Luke’s fault.

    So I ran outside and started tearing apart everything he had just loaded into the car. Found the phone, not the ring. Maybe not Luke’s fault after all. But I called him hysterical anyway, and he promised to rush home.

    Meanwhile, I ransacked the house: dishwasher, clean sheets, folded blankets—nothing. Luke arrived, calm and logical (as usual), and asked where I was when I first noticed it was gone. He checked the dressers while I tore apart the blankets on my side of the bed—still mid-meltdown, crying about how useless I am, how I keep losing everything, how I’m losing my brain, and what if I never get back to—

    And then I looked under the bed.

    “FOUND IT!” I shouted, with what can only be described as a psychotic smile.

    Luke looked up. “Found what?”

    “My ring!” I chirped.

    He didn’t actually say this, but I swear I heard:

    “Hm. Thought maybe you found your senses.”

    It was only 8 a.m., and I was already crazy.
    Sad to say, the crazy lasted all day.

    And let’s be honest—it’ll be back tomorrow.
    Because common sense is not a product of chemotherapy.

  • Chemo Chronicles V5: What do you call this room?

    What do you call a room with four women and no talking?

    I’ve been thinking about it. It’s clearly the chemo room, but that doesn’t begin to cover it.

    It might be a nap salon — where no one asked for a blow-out but we all left a little lighter.

    Or maybe a spa for the terminally exhausted, featuring the latest in drip-infused “glow from within” technology.

    Some days it feels like the quiet car on the Cancer Express — no loud talking, no snacks, and you’re not sure where you’ll end up, but everyone’s ticket cost too much.

    The Waiting Room for the Brave, perhaps, except there’s no waiting. We’re doing the thing. Just quietly.

    This week there were four of us. All women. All lined up in our recliners like power stations plugged into perseverance. Within minutes of the “pre-drug” drip, every single one of us was out cold. No chatter. No reality TV. Not even the usual IV-pole squeaks. Just four warriors in soft socks, drifting off under fluorescent halos.

    I had about ten minutes before my own eyelids surrendered, so I took inventory:
    – Chair 4 had really good hair and shoes. Definitely winning chemo couture.
    – Chair 3 was already asleep—basically a blanket with a pulse.
    – Chair 6 chatted with the nurse, then disappeared under her pillow. Relatable.

    And then silence. The kind of deep, unbothered quiet you don’t get anywhere else.

    When it was over, we rose like polite zombies—unplugged, gathered our stuff, and shuffled out with the reverence of churchgoers leaving midnight mass. No words necessary. We knew.

    Whatever this room is—a sanctuary, a spa, a silent sorority—it’s ours.

    Until next time—may your drips be steady, your naps restorative, and your IV poles never squeak at the wrong moment.

  • Chemo ≠ Self-Care

    It could be said that when you’re fighting cancer, every day is a self-care day — you know, since you’re literally ingesting poison to stay alive. Cute concept, but no. That’s not my idea of self-care.

    Real self-care is what I’ve been doing these last few days: sitting on the deck, watching the geese, and soaking up the warm sunshine like a lizard on vacation.

    Today’s agenda? Massage. Because sometimes “healing” looks less like IV poles and more like someone working the knots out of your shoulders while your soul exhales.

    So… no post today. Unless you count this one. Which, honestly, you should.

    💚