Tag: health

  • Nobody Gets to Keep Me from Having Something I Don’t Want

    A week ago, I was sitting at my computer in the early morning hours, writing a post about the cataract surgery I was going to have later that day.

    I was really worried about it

    dreading it, even.

    To be honest, I did not want to do it.


    I’m entirely too young, I told myself.

    No normal person has cataract surgery when she is ONLY 69.

    Of course, I was only going to be 69 for one more month—

    but that was not the issue.

    The issue was that only OLD people have cataracts.

    And, therefore, cataract surgery.


    My definition of old has changed considerably over the years.

    Old used to be so much younger than it is now.

    These days, I believe old is at least twenty years older

    than whatever age I happen to be.

    Technically, I need cataract surgery because of a previous retina surgery—

    not because I am old.

    I consider that an important distinction.

    Anyway, that’s what I was writing about.


    But then the phone rang.

    It was the surgeon’s office calling to cancel my surgery.

    Apparently, the surgeon had called in sick.

    So the surgery I did not want to have was cancelled —

    and no one could tell me when it might be rescheduled.


    It sounded as though I was getting exactly what I wanted.

    But, like so many things we think we want

    until we unexpectedly get them,

    I didn’t want it anymore.

    In fact, I was mad.


    I had spent days preparing myself for this surgery.

    I had worried about it.

    I had dreaded it.

    I had imagined every possible thing that might go wrong—

    and probably invented a few things that have never gone wrong

    in the entire history of cataract surgery.


    But I had finally gotten myself ready.

    Not eager.

    Not calm.

    But ready.

    And then they cancelled it.


    Apparently, courage has an expiration date.

    Mine was stamped

    GOOD FOR ONE DAY ONLY,

    and they had just wasted it.


    So I spent the next week being angry about the surgery

    I had spent the previous week wishing I didn’t have to have.

    I called the surgeon’s office.

    More than once.


    I explained that I needed to get back on the calendar as soon as possible.

    After all, if I needed cataract surgery,

    then I damn well wanted cataract surgery.

    I had already rearranged my life around it.

    I had already done the worrying.

    I had already made peace –

    or at least negotiated a temporary ceasefire

    with the idea of someone doing things to my eyeball while I was awake.

    I should not have to start the entire emotional process over again.


    Eventually, they found another date for me.

    One week from today.

    So now I have an entire week to work myself back

    into the frenzy I had achieved ten days ago.

    I think I can do a good job with that.


    But I’m going forward with the surgery.

    I fought to get it back.

    It’s on my calendar.

    It has my name on it.


    I still don’t want cataract surgery.

    But this one is supposed to be mine.

    And apparently,

    nobody gets to keep me from having something I don’t want.

    -Pattie

  • Then They Schedule The Next Scan

    Then They Schedule The Next Scan

    The doctor smiled.

    “Everything looks good.  No evidence of disease.”

    Hubby smiled.

    I smiled.

    But inside…

    someone screamed,

    I can’t keep doing this.

    It’s just too much.


    The celebration lasts about five minutes.

    Then they schedule the next scan.


    Somewhere around the three-month mark…

    the music starts.

    And I know it’s time to dance.

    I stop trusting my body.

    That backache?

    Probably from lifting boxes.

    Or maybe not.

    That pain in my side?

    Probably getting older.

    Or maybe not.


    The dance begins.

    First the blood work.

    Then the scan.

    Then the appointment.

    Same building.
    Same smells.
    Same chairs.


    Same people smiling kindly

    while my body remembers

    the fight of my life.  

    This isn’t my first time.

    I know the steps by heart.

    Smile.

    Joke with the receptionist.

    Tell Hubby I’m sure everything will be fine.

    Tell my family not to worry.

    Tell myself not to worry.

    And hope…

    If I say it enough times…

    I can believe it.


    They warned me the chemotherapy would take my hair.

    They warned me it would make me sick.

    They warned me I’d be tired.

    Nobody warned me that remission would have side effects too.


    Logically, I think it through.  

    The cancer I had was not caught by the blood work.

    So I don’t have to worry about that.

    Logically, I do the comparisons.

    Six months ago a PET scan showed nothing.

    A PET scan is more complete than a CT scan.

    Therefore, there will be  nothing on the CT scan.


    I argued my case like a lawyer.

    The evidence was solid.

    My body objected anyway.


    Because the body doesn’t work on logic.

    My body remembers what it felt like to hear, “It’s back.”

    My heart remembers the panic.

    My mind remembers my fear.

    And even my tears

    can only be held back for so long.


    Every clear scan…

    costs me

    a little piece of myself.


    Cancer may be in remission.

    Fear remembers every detail.

    So for the next two years…

    every three months…

    I’ll do the dance.

    And every three months…

    I’ll have to teach my heart

    what my CT scan already knows. 


    I got the news on Wednesday.

    “No evidence of disease.”

    Today is Thursday.

    I’ve cried most of the day.

    Not because the news was bad.

    Because my heart is finally letting go of everything it carried getting here.


    The celebration lasted about five minutes.

    In about ten weeks…

    the music will start again.


    If you know someone living scan to scan…

    remember…

    they aren’t just waiting for results.

    they’re reliving the day their life changed.

    Every.

    Single.

    Time.

    -Pattie

  • The Wisdom of Shade

    The Wisdom of Shade

    I used to be a hunter.

    And now I am a gatherer.

    At least as it applies to amusement parks.


    I think it’s because I’m getting older.

    I’d like to blame something else.

    But aging has no alibi.


    Plan a trip to X 

    to see Y

    and flawlessly execute the plan.

    I found the game,

    and then I took it down.

    Hunt complete.


    The young people amusementing themselves with us

    are still hunters.

    Each day they planned the big game of the day,

    And set out to capture the death-defying roller coaster of choice.

    The ROC. 


    Their logic was not to hunt in the picked-over concrete forest

    but to seek out the untouched land. 

    Getting to the game before the other hunters was urgent.

    And of course it was always the furthest away.


    Being reasonably responsible people,

    Hubby and I did not buy fast passes for six.

    And for the same reason,

    we stayed at a three bedroom four-and-a-half bath VRBO

    instead of one of the park hotels offering early entry.

    We learned a long time ago:

    no matter how many people you pack into a hotel room,

    there is only one bathroom per room.

    And one bathroom divided by six people

    equals misery for five at any given moment.


    So: no early entry, no fast pass.

    The hunters still wanted to beat the crowd.


    The death march began the very instant

    our feet hit the parking lot pavement.

    The mission was to walk as fast as we could

    on the pre-determined straightest path to the ROC.


    No sightseeing.

    No people watching.

    No dilly-dallying.

    Not even a bathroom stop,

    if the hunters had their way.

    But mine is a 69-year-old post-chemo bladder.

    It always gets its way. 


    None of them are under 5’8″.

    They are young and fit,

    with powerful slender legs

     and long, easy strides.

    They were hunting with passion.


    I was none of those things.


    So I raced along,

    double-stepping as fast as my little feet –

    including the injured big toe –

    would carry me.


    That first death march

    my watch clocked a mile and a half

    before we reached the hunting ground.

    And that was in the smaller park.


    I arrived exhausted,

    sweating profusely,

    and to be honest – pretty put off.

    (Southern for: not at all pleased.)


    The rest of the day was a remake of that first death march,

    ride after ride after ride.

    Hunters hunt.

    That’s what they do.


    Their hunting went on.

    My thrill did not.


    Without  their big game to direct my focus,

    I started looking around for what would entertain me.

    I realized what I wanted was to

    enjoy a cool breeze,

    watch the little kids’ shining faces

    getting their pictures made with in-character characters,

    sit and have a drink in the shade,

    admire the beautiful scenery, and

    smell the metaphorical roses.

    I had become a gatherer.


    I was torn, to be sure.

    I wanted the S’kiddles to have a great time.

    And while I knew a great time,

    in the hunter’s sense,

    wasn’t going to happen for me,

    I didn’t want the death marches to become the death of me.


    So instead of chasing their ROC,

    I let the pack go on ahead of me.

    With two men over 6’5″,

    they were pretty easy to use as landmarks.


    And I looked around as I walked.

    I saw things I’d had no idea were there.

    A bathroom, up the hill to the right.

    A water bottle refill station, just to the left.

    A Starbucks, tucked into a cute little alcove up ahead.

    None of it was their ROC.

    All of it was exactly what I needed.


    I used to search for the ROC

    looking neither left nor right,

    and hunt it down.

    Now I was noticing shade.


    Hunters hunt.

    Gatherers gather.

    And it turns out,

    somewhere around mile two of a death march,

    gathering looks a lot more like wisdom than giving up.

    -Pattie

  • What I’m Celebrating Today

    Photo by RDNE Stock project on Pexels.com

    I’ll be honest.

    This Fourth of July has been harder for me than most.

    It’s difficult for me to celebrate

    when so much about our country

    feels angry, divided, and fragile.


    But maybe Independence Day isn’t

    a celebration that we’ve arrived.

    Maybe it’s a celebration that 250 years ago,

    a group of imperfect people

    dared to imagine something

    the world had rarely seen before:

    a nation where the government’s authority

    would come from its people

    instead of a king,

    inherited privilege,

    or any single religious authority.


    They didn’t get everything right.

    Some of the freedoms they declared were not for everyone.

    Some injustices were left untouched.

    Others they simply failed to see.


    But generation after generation,

    Americans have kept pushing this country a little closer

    to the promises made in 1776.

    Not perfectly.

    Not all at once.

    Sometimes loudly.

    Sometimes painfully.

    But forward.


    Our country still has flaws.

    It always will,

    because it is made up of human beings.


    Yet when we choose kindness over contempt,

    listening over shouting,

    and the common good over personal victory,

    we honor the very spirit of this American experiment.


    We remind ourselves that a more perfect union

    was never meant to be a destination.

    It was always meant to be the work.


    I still believe this country is at its best

    when we remember that freedom – real freedom –

    isn’t just about protecting our own rights.

    It’s about protecting everyone’s rights.


    So today, that’s what I’m celebrating.

    I hope your day is filled with family, friends,

    and a few quiet minutes to reflect on the country

    we’re still trying to become.

    -Pattie

  • MAY FLIES IN JUNE — THAT IS A HARD NO

    MAY FLIES IN JUNE — THAT IS A HARD NO

    OH MY BONE at the flies.

    Is the lake broken?


    The black flying flies.

    They are everywhere.

    They do not stop.

    I am convinced they exist for one purpose and one purpose only:

    To torment me personally.


    Let me tell you about May flies.

    They are very special flies that live in the lake as regular bugs for two whole years.

    Then one day they explode out of the water and become flying bugs.


    I know these are facts because Mama told me.

    Do I fully trust Mama’s explanation?

    Not entirely.

    She also says I don’t need to bark at suspect squirrels.

    So her judgment is questionable.


    There are hundreds of them.

    Thousands of them.

    Possibly millions.

    Maybe even billions.

    I have not counted them all because I am only one dog.

    But I have counted enough

    to know I am right.


    They hide in the grass.

    They hide in the trees.

    They hide on the boathouse.

    They hide on the windows.

    Basically, if a thing exists,

    there is probably a fly sitting on it.


    Then the moment you find the perfect place to squat…

    HERE THEY COME.

    Like somebody blew a whistle.


    Suddenly they are flying around your head.

    Flying in your ears.

    Landing on your legs.

    Making you question all your life choices.


    And let me tell you something else.

    They smell bottoms.

    I have seen it.


    Now, a good bottom sniff is important.

    To dogs.

    That is a professional courtesy.

    A respectful exchange of information.

    Flies have no business participating.

    They have not earned that privilege.


    The worst part is the windows.

    They stick to the glass.

    I go over to investigate.

    They jump off.

    Then they fly directly at my face.

    Which feels aggressive.

    And possibly personal.


    Mama explained that after spending two years in the lake,

    they only live for a day or two.

    A DAY OR TWO.

    Imagine waiting two years for anything.

    Then spending your entire adult life being annoying.

    That is a terrible life plan.


    I reported this situation to Management.

    Management said,

    “They’re just mayflies, Sassy.”

    Which is exactly the sort of thing Management says

    when they have no intention of fixing the problem.


    Also, I have one very important question.

    If these are MAY flies…

    Why are they still here in JUNE?

    I am beginning to think nobody is enforcing the rules.


    The only good thing about mayflies is that eventually they die.

    Which leads me to believe that even the all-powerful one—

    you know, D-O-G spelled backwards—

    has reached the end of His patience with them too.


    Until then,

    I will continue my patrols,

    file my complaints,

    and conduct all outdoor business under protest.

    Sincerely,

    Sassy 🐾

    A Very Good Girl Under Attack